Text for Text

Dating, Such a simple word.  So many complications.  To call or not to call?  Email?   Text once, text twice?  Resend?   To Facebook or Tweet? Hell, now we are texting with out ever talking.  The last time I dated I had a flip phone  that I could barely get to make an out going call, much less send a cryptic message with various underlying tones which often require a friends analysis (Thanks NGGF).  What has happened to the Friday night out with the cute boy you met at  your local Sonic?  As we all know, I lost a love and I left a love.   Now from time to time I want a love.    It was by fate that we met.  I was discussing the outrageous doctor who we believe killed my best friends husband.   On the other side of the 8x12 room we were chatting in,  a shelf crashed off the wall.  I was no where near said shelf.  This must have been some type of "sign" right?    I marched over to the "big cheeses area" and the "fixer" was NOT available.   As a spoiled rotten brat who expects life to happen on HER terms this was tough.   I marched into Nameless Texans  office and described my situation.  He told me "Fred" would handle it.  Why couldn't he just do it?  I would much rather watch him drill something into the wall (did I mention he was cute and chewed tobacco?)   A week passes and I return to a shelf still sitting on the floor.  Devastated that my "Nameless Texan" had not handled business I marched over to address the situation, AGAIN.    A very sweet lady at the front desk offered assistance but I was determined to talk to NT.  Today he was even more attractive than before and I knew something had to happen.  He placed some blame on "Fred" and requested my name and phone number  so he could confirm  the job was complete.  Within Twenty minutes NT  had committed to fixing the shelf himself and accepted full responsibility for failure to ask Fred to fix it, well played NT.   Immediately he became the cutest boy I had talked to in weeks.   Our shelf conversation had turned into a date.   Something I have been reluctant to try since the divorce. Last month before my friends husband passed away he made me promise I would try it in 2015.  "Not all guys are jerks, just most of them.  They can't all be like me"   I hadn't been on a "proper" date with anyone other than my ex-husband in 8 years.  With the cute Texan twang, ability to fix the shelves, and the fact that he chewed tobacco, I immediately committed to Saturday and my "real date."  Thanks Mike!      Prior to our date I was sick to my stomach.  Why?  I  go out with random boys in groups (friends of friends, sans chemistry) all the time.  This boy was different.  He was Tall, Texan, and had the twang that every girl longs for, did I mention he liked baseball?     He picked me up right on time, and despite the butterflies, I felt comfortable immediately.  He was everything a girl could want ( he was pretty lucky too, if I do say so myself.)   The date was awesome, I shared (food), he wasn't being cheap, we just went somewhere designed to share, which I am not very good at.   Afterwards we went to a comedy club.  It was complete trash, and I loved every minute of it.   He was totally hitting on me (I think), his hand was on my leg, and we may have held hands for a brief moment.   AFTER the date we head home.  Despite the fact that I was dying to smooch NT, I kept it classy and said goodnight.   I was completely confident  that this would be happening again soon.   Sunday comes and text messages are shared.  Obviously he is smitten, I am one in a million, right?  Do we see ourselves as something we aren't, or maybe never will be?  Is being overly confident in the fact that you know who you are and what you want a bad thing?  Or does it become a bad thing when you expect others to see it and know it too?  NT texted me a few more times with some  "small talk"  something he had been doing since the day of the shelf.   I liked this, I am not in need of this or "needy" in general, but 

when we get used to something and it just stops some of us panic.  Some people play it cool. I have a girlfriend who is my polar opposite.  I sometimes stress for her.  I wish I was more like her in that aspect.   I am not and never have been that girl.  I need to know.  Maybe thats my problem, and not just in relationships?  The next week progresses and the text messages are sparse.  Instead of chilling out, I continue on my quest for nuttiness by sending more text messages and imagining the worst.   In hindsight, this was a terrible idea,  NT was probably busy with his life, just like I was, but why was I still making time to make a mess?   I convinced myself he probably wasn't getting my messages, so I sent a few more.   I say few loosely.    I have concluded that its not terrible to tell someone how you feel, or even text someone to tell them you are thinking of them.   But just like the Three date rule, there should be a TEXT for TEXT rule.   Lesson Learned.  Mission Accomplished. Back in the game (okay, not really but I did go on a date.) 

Baggage

 Seems like everyone has issues: your past pops up, you compare, you play games,  you lose a turn, you break a heart, get your heart broken, Whatever....I call this baggage!  My friends talk about finding someone with no baggage but is that really possible?
I've never understood this. I don't believe that anyone makes it through this life without baggage. It's part of living. We all have past hurts that we carry with us in one way or another. I'm immediately suspicious of people who claim to have none. I'm guessing that they're unaware that the big suitcase that the other people in their lives are taking turns lugging, is theirs, and that they have not claimed their baggage .Our current state of being, in my opinion, depends on acknowledging the hurts, exploring their impact, coming to terms with and integrated them. When this is done, we can choose to do differently. What is left unacknowledged is left unchanged. Maintaining the status quo, sticking with familiar people and places is comfortable. Making change asks us to step outside of our comfort zone. It takes courage and spunk!

C'mon...we ALL have baggage, but, those questions the airlines ask at check-in...they're important...Did you pack your bag yourself?
Are you aware of the contents?Have you left it unattended?Do you have any unclaimed baggage? Is your load feeling heavy these days?
Do you sort through your baggage from time to time, discard what is no longer useful to you? Re-organize and re-pack? Are you willing to pay the extra $25.00 because your bag is overweight?

My suitcase has wheels and I go thru it often and repack and reorganize!
My backpack...I don't notice the weight of it ,most of the time, but sometimes I need to put it down for awhile, and reconsider the contents. 

Wink

Sometimes, the most difficult grieving to be done is not for what has been lost, but for what one never had in the first place.

It occurred to me today, that this is an odd statement. It's often used by people to describe their relationship with someone with whom they've not had, (or are not currently having sex with)

"So are you guys...you know...wink wink, nudge nudge."

"Oh, no. We're just friends."

It's the 'just' part of 'just friends,' that I don't get. It makes it sound like it's somehow second best; second, anyway, to someone you have 'done it' with.

In thinking about it, it doesn't seem right at all. My friends are the people who've stuck around through the years, (despite the fact that I haven't 'put out'), to share the good and the bad, of one another, and of life. The people I've had sex with, though (some of whom swore their undying love)...well...where the hell are they?! With the exception of 5 or 6 with whom I'm still close, they're go-o-ooone.
If you ask me, it should be just the opposite.
"So...are you guys, you know...friends?"
"Oh no. We just had sex."
Just sayin'.
Throughout my dating/relationship years, I've come to realize that the particular passion (you know the one), that fuels and consumes us in the early part of a relationship doesn't last forever. It's wonderful, but it's over-rated when you realize that what is needed to sustain a relationship through the years is the sort of intimacy that comes with a much deeper connection; one of mutual admiration, respect, kindness and caring. And, if you already have that in a relationship, can the passion grow from there? Ideally, a relationship would have both, but if you had to choose one...
Hmm.
My question is...
Would you risk a wonderful friendship to see if it could be something more? Or, would you be satisfied with the wonderful friendship, just the way it is?
I already know my answer. At least...I think I do...

The Pitcher from my past.....

A few nights ago when I got a call from the "Pitcher"  I figured out why I am so hesitant and generally wishy-washy about him and why I am NOT ready to date in general.

I was settled into my new weekend routine, when my little nugget is with his dad, watching DVR while having a glass of wine. A friend of mine was over and we were debating the relative hotness of the guys on the show. Very important stuff.

The Pitcher called, so I excused myself to the patio so as to not interrupt the television-watching. He asked what I was doing, and I told him without hesitating, "Drinking a glass of wine and watching TV with a friend."

"Oh, you're all snuggled up with someone?" he asked, which is a lame way of asking if I'm seeing someone.

I assured him that I wasn't and we had a short conversation. Toward the end he said, "Well, it was good talking to you. Go enjoy your bottle of wine."

"Glass," I said. "I'm having a glass of wine."

"Well, one always leads to another," he said. "You know how that works."

And that's when it hit me. I am ambivalent about him because he makes me feel self-conscious about my actions and because no matter what happens, I will always be the "bad" one in the relationship.

I am an adult. I'm 33 and I drink and I wear shirts that show off my cleavage sometimes and I hobble around on three-inch heels. I sometimes stay out late and I look forward to a glass of wine after after a long day.  I get manicures, I bribe my son with Skylanders and I don't save as much money as I should.

I stay up  late. I enjoy trashy TV shows when I should be vacuuming or organizing or bleaching something. I eat grapes and grilled cheese or pizza and pb&j when I should be having a salad and apple slices. I play Taylor Swift too loud so that Scout and i dance around the house in our PJs and crack ourselves up.

I sleep in when Scouts not home and  my last thought at night before I go to bed is about what time I should set my alarm. I often skip breakfast, but I always have my coffee. I am slightly addicted to Diet Coke and at least once a week, I sneak off to the candy isle of Tom Thumb for a white chocolate Reese's peanut butter cup.

And I am fine with it all.

I'm also a good mother, friend and daughter. I love my son and the rest of family and friends. I work hard. . I am a shoulder to cry on, someone who will listen and a person you can go to when you just want to laugh. I will cook you dinner and make dessert.

I love the Lord and go to a non denominational church on Saturdays even tho I am an Episcopalian.

I will dance all night for your birthday and buy you a drink when your heart is broken. I'll give you advice I know you won't take and I will do my best to avoid saying "I told you so" later. (I sometimes fail at this one.) You can cry to me and I will never tell anyone. You can tease me and I'll tease back.

And what I really need is someone who is fine with it all, too.  I am guessing this person may not exist.  I am okay with this.  Being happy alone, is much better than being unhappy with someone else.

 So please Pitcher, delete my number.  You have been retired IR just won't cut it anymore.  

Old Fling

I was perusing a Facebook account of an old fling. I don't know why. He was also a long-time friend, but the aftermath of the fling probably makes that verb-tense just. I'd just seen two other very close long-time mutual friends. Maybe that's what put me in the mind to check in on him.
His profile says he's single. And in his description (or one of those random thingies you put on Facebook), he said he was getting over a crappy relationship. I'm either happy or ashamed that I have no idea if this relationship was the one I knew him last to be in, or if there have been others between. As a friend, definitely ashamed. As someone glad to not have more twists and turns in her life than she has road maps, I suppose it's a little nice to know I've managed to let this one slip off the radar.
But, that's not at all my point. Which of course you knew that if you knew me and understand exactly how many paragraphs I require in order to actually say anything.
A crappy relationship. It struck me because with him in particular, well, he's the type of guy who is always getting over a crappy relationship. Except for the time when he's in the relationship with someone who could be "the one". It seems that once they're over, all his relationships were crappy. Myself included, I'm well aware. Of course there were things to make it crappy. After all, we're not still together anymore. He's not still with this new ex-dame. If there were no downhill, there'd be no crap. But it puzzles me. Am I the only one who doesn't hold grudges against exes? Am I alone in the thought that hey, we weren't made for each other but that doesn't make you a monster? Yes. Some relationships were definite crap. But for the most part, I believe it's just two cool people coming together who turned out to be not-quite right for each other. I mean, if I were to slander all my exes and call them scum, what does that say about my taste? I heart scum? Why do so many people love to hate the ones they once loved?

So What, Miles Davis

You know those songs that make you remember an event, day, place, or a moment? I heard one of those songs today on my new favorite XM station. “So What” by Miles Davis.  I turned it up, my heart skipped a beat, driving along Highway 377 I got super sappy - I can absolutely remember the first time I heard "So What".  I was standing in a dive bar, in Encinitas California. The Saloon 2002, it was a foggy Sunday afternoon, and we had just come in from "surfing."  I say this loosely because "the boyfriend" could surf, I was more of a paddle out, try a few times, and splash around "surfer."  I still am.  I remember an older man walking over to the jukebox and then IT started playing…I thought the song was brilliant – and still do. I remember asking him what the song was called.  He was a real "surfer type", sun bleached hair, almost too tan face, and beautiful eyes.  He looked at me, laughed, and said "so what" then said he would be right back.  It was odd..Maybe he was stoned?  I headed back over to "the boyfriend" who was waiting on our 3rd or 4th round of $1.00 draft beers (this place was awesome)  where he had actually managed to snag us stools.  We sat, drank, talked, and laughed.  We did that a lot.  He was one of the good ones.  About 30 minutes passed and my sun kissed surfer friend walked back in and made his way to us.  He was carrying a sack from LOUS RECORDS (the coolest place in Encinitas).....Inside was the Kind of Blue album.  I had heard of Miles Davis but had NO idea what I was in for.  I thanked my surfer friend over and over.  He told "the boyfriend" he was the one who should be thanking him.  We laughed, bought our new friend a beer, and headed out.   I remember getting home and listening to the album over and over, while sitting on the balcony talking about life and the future.  It was genius, Miles Davis was a genius.  Sadly, the Saloon was sold and is now an upscale "beach" bar.  I never saw the sun kissed surfer again, and "the boyfriend" left for Iraq and never returned.  Life sure does change, but every time I hear this tune, I return to the corner of Pacific Coast Highway and West D Street, I smile for the moment and how it all happened. Life is full of change but it makes us who we are.  Thanks for the memories, Mr. Davis.

BE.HERE.NOW

I’ve been running a lot these past few months. Well…a lot for me....My goal for 2014 is to run my first FULL marathon and actually finish it within the allotted time, this WILL happen.  Running is my escape.  It’s also been giving me a lot of time to think.  Sometimes I think too much........Ups and downs are a part of life, particularly part of my life, and what I need to do is learn to appreciate this and understand that not everything is PERFECT everyday.  I have been very lucky in my life, and have been blessed with ALMOST everything I have ever wanted.  I have been "on my own" but not completely.  I think my current journey may be the closest I have ever really been to being truly "on my own" with regard to responsibility.  This scares me from time to time.  I have my ups and I have my downs.  Hills and valleys. It’s what the human experience is all about. This brings me back to running.....Here is what I love most about running, running is about the moment.  It doesn’t matter what happened earlier or who said XYZ yesterday,  it’s over now, nothing can change it.   Tomorrow  hasn’t happened yet, there’s no point stressing about it. All I have is the run that I’m in…good or bad. Just like all we have is the moment that we’re in. Today. Here and now. Yesterday is over, and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.  Running is SO much like life, we just have to make the most of what we’ve got, here and now.