So What, Miles Davis

You know those songs that make you remember an event, day, place, or a moment? I heard one of those songs today on my new favorite XM station. “So What” by Miles Davis.  I turned it up, my heart skipped a beat, driving along Highway 377 I got super sappy - I can absolutely remember the first time I heard "So What".  I was standing in a dive bar, in Encinitas California. The Saloon 2002, it was a foggy Sunday afternoon, and we had just come in from "surfing."  I say this loosely because "the boyfriend" could surf, I was more of a paddle out, try a few times, and splash around "surfer."  I still am.  I remember an older man walking over to the jukebox and then IT started playing…I thought the song was brilliant – and still do. I remember asking him what the song was called.  He was a real "surfer type", sun bleached hair, almost too tan face, and beautiful eyes.  He looked at me, laughed, and said "so what" then said he would be right back.  It was odd..Maybe he was stoned?  I headed back over to "the boyfriend" who was waiting on our 3rd or 4th round of $1.00 draft beers (this place was awesome)  where he had actually managed to snag us stools.  We sat, drank, talked, and laughed.  We did that a lot.  He was one of the good ones.  About 30 minutes passed and my sun kissed surfer friend walked back in and made his way to us.  He was carrying a sack from LOUS RECORDS (the coolest place in Encinitas).....Inside was the Kind of Blue album.  I had heard of Miles Davis but had NO idea what I was in for.  I thanked my surfer friend over and over.  He told "the boyfriend" he was the one who should be thanking him.  We laughed, bought our new friend a beer, and headed out.   I remember getting home and listening to the album over and over, while sitting on the balcony talking about life and the future.  It was genius, Miles Davis was a genius.  Sadly, the Saloon was sold and is now an upscale "beach" bar.  I never saw the sun kissed surfer again, and "the boyfriend" left for Iraq and never returned.  Life sure does change, but every time I hear this tune, I return to the corner of Pacific Coast Highway and West D Street, I smile for the moment and how it all happened. Life is full of change but it makes us who we are.  Thanks for the memories, Mr. Davis.

BE.HERE.NOW

I’ve been running a lot these past few months. Well…a lot for me....My goal for 2014 is to run my first FULL marathon and actually finish it within the allotted time, this WILL happen.  Running is my escape.  It’s also been giving me a lot of time to think.  Sometimes I think too much........Ups and downs are a part of life, particularly part of my life, and what I need to do is learn to appreciate this and understand that not everything is PERFECT everyday.  I have been very lucky in my life, and have been blessed with ALMOST everything I have ever wanted.  I have been "on my own" but not completely.  I think my current journey may be the closest I have ever really been to being truly "on my own" with regard to responsibility.  This scares me from time to time.  I have my ups and I have my downs.  Hills and valleys. It’s what the human experience is all about. This brings me back to running.....Here is what I love most about running, running is about the moment.  It doesn’t matter what happened earlier or who said XYZ yesterday,  it’s over now, nothing can change it.   Tomorrow  hasn’t happened yet, there’s no point stressing about it. All I have is the run that I’m in…good or bad. Just like all we have is the moment that we’re in. Today. Here and now. Yesterday is over, and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.  Running is SO much like life, we just have to make the most of what we’ve got, here and now. 

I was.......

*I wrote this back in early 2010, it still makes me smile when I read it, 4 years later :

Before I was Scouts Mom I was many things.

A collector of vintage jewels . A connoisseur of yummy sushi. An organizer of junk drawers. A dog walker and a gardener. A coupon clipper and a bubble bath taker. A fashionista and a martini drinker. A friend and a foe. A daughter, a lover, an "independent" woman.
In our lives we expand until we almost explode from all the shapes we take. Changing and growing and BECOMING, adding to our list of shortcomings, belongings and hobbies and personalities. Some we are more proud of than others. Some lead us to our next. Some teach us and prepare us for our future, for taking on yet another hat to wear or burden to bare. They shape our subconscious that later guides us to make life changing decisions.

While they may have led me to the right path, none of these things could truly prepare me for the maniacal journey that is being SCOUTS MOM.
So what did prepare me?

I am a caretaker for three amazing rescue dogs.

I love and treasure a cat who is deaf and declawed, not to mention 12 years old~MOLLY IS 16.5 NOW AND STILL AMAZING, AND WE HAVE ADDED A DOG!

Most importantly, I was taught the meaning of the word unconditional (Thanks Mom and Dad.)

My Moms unconditional love for all things helpless helped my heart to be SCOUTS mother. She opened it up wide and tall. I was smacked in the face with a love so deep it was incomprehensible. Indescribable. I learned to love something so much it did not matter if it fit in or if the whole world forgot it existed. She knew they mattered. I learned to love in spite of imperfections.

My Dad told me about looking past physical imperfections. My Grandfather Tracy was 6'3 with one leg (train jumping in Pine Bluffs Wyoming @ age 6 can cause problems). As a kid my Dad longed to park in the handicap spot but his father wouldn't use it. It was a spot for people who were handicap. My Dad has also loved me unconditionally, I have done some pretty stupid things, and he ALWAYS has my back.  I am so grateful to have experienced a love like this before becoming a parent so I could know what it is to nurture. To know that I have the capability to love with an honest, open heart no matter the circumstances and to know what it is like to truly give myself over to that crazy little thing called (unconditional) love. "Oh BABY SCOUT!" LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!

Seven things to say to Scout.....

This is the longest amount of time I have been away from you, since you made your debut into this wild world.  WOW!  I miss you, but am SO proud and happy about your awesome personality and ability to appreciate life and fit in wherever you go.  I know you are safe and loved right now, yet I am still thinking about how much you mean and how much you have to learn.  I have 7/SEVEN things I feel like I need to share with you..... 

1. When I look at you I see my heart.
I never imagined I had this much love to give until I had you.   
I never thought I could possibly have any more to give until I held you . You have taught me that my heart and my love has no max capacity.... it grows and grows and grows.

2.. Play. Draw. Paint. 
Create.Creating art should be a constant in your life.  It is insight for your ever-moving journey.  If you’re doing it right – I expect the messes you make daily....I yell, or lose my cool, but deep down, I LOVE IT!!!  Go ahead, experiment, find YOU!

3. On the other hand, there are rules that need to BE obeyed.  PLEASE be RESPECTFUL.  I realize boys will be boys, lets meet in the middle. RESPECT

4. Take your time getting to know your inner genius.
There is a competitiveness that seems to have taken hold of kids and more often, their parents?!?!!!!  The pressure to learn faster, quicker, better is BS!   Never fall prey to it.   Learning takes time and everyone does it at their own pace, in their own time.....You will figure it out, Im 33 and I still have NOT gotten this 100%.

5.. Explore the outdoors.
Get outside as much as possible.  Video games are for airplanes and long car rides.....Lets get MORE fresh air and LOVE our planet.  We shall play tag.  Ride bikes (more often).  Skip.  Hop.  Jump.  Run.  Climb.  MORE!!!!!!

6. It’s okay to cry.
Crying it COOL, it helps us to understand who we really are and what really matters.   We all do it. Boys cry.  Girls cry.  Babies cry. Even our dogs cry.  It is ok.  Embrace this.

7. Remind yourself daily, as I will, that you are a PRECIOUS, SPECIAL, AMAZING, gift from the stars.....I am SO lucky to be your Mom and I want you to know that, and remember it daily....


I LOVE you SO much little buddy, you are SO perfect to me, I am blessed and thankful to be your MOMMA :) 

SORRY or HAPPY?

adjective, sor·ri·er, sor·ri·est.

1.

feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.: to be sorry to leave one's friends; to be sorry for aremark; to be sorry for someone in trouble.

"I'm SO sorry" from time to time I really am.  More often than NOT "sorry" is an automatic response when I have upset someone, raised an eyebrow, questioned a decision.  But what makes "sorry" genuine?  I wish I knew.  I have multiple regrets and often feel bad about things I have done, but am I really SORRY? I wonder if I proclaim this to keep others happy?  But am I happy?  How can I be happy without being sorry?  I wish I had the answer to that.

Happiness comes from within.  No one can make me genuinely happy. How about genuinely sorry?  I can experience  happiness with another person, but they can’t make me happy.  And if I am sad or mad or angry or anxious or pissy it’s because I choose to be.  No one can make me angry.  But can anyone really make you sorry?  I make the choice to react to a fact or situation with anger.  Now, there’s nothing wrong with anger, unless I unleash it on someone else, but emotions of all flavors and forms are at their best when we take responsibility for them, observe them, feel them.  And then release them.    I feel like releasing SO many of these lately.  I must remember to make them mine and direct them rightfully.....

Keep Calm and Carry on Mom

From time to time I hang up from talking to my mother feeling inspired.  She was an amazing mom who did anything and everything for me.  More often than not every conversation also includes unsolicited parenting advice.  She loves to tell me that I'm too strict (totally NOT), and she also reminds me that this time in our lives is going to be over before we know it.  Kids grow up SO fast and I am really starting to understand the "time flies" idea. Last night we talked about all of the fun we shared while I was growing up and how tolerant she was of any and all of my antics.  She really was.  I know that I am impatient with regard to life, and in turn know that there are a few things I really need to CHILL out about.....For now I am going to focus on being the "KIND of MOM" I remember my mom being........ 

•  The kind that smiles when Scout wakes me up extra early when my night was extra late.
• The kind that can resist saying, “Please don’t walk through the puddles or the mud… you have cute shoes on”
• The kind that encourages creative expression instead of saying "stop making a mess!"
• The kind that can play legos or superhero for more than 20 minutes before saying “OK, Mommy’s going to read” and pulling out my People .
• The kind that never says, “No, we CANNOT play outside. Now sit down and watch TV.”
• The kind that can make a great meal for Scout that doesn’t include anything that comes from a box.
• The kind that can embrace the idea that soon enough he won't want to sleep with me and my heart will ache.
• The kind willing to entertain 99% of his wild and crazy ideas.

I really just want to be the kind of mom that doesn’t lose her s*it each ime he whines about something that totally matters to a four year old person. Or because I won’t give him ice cream for breakfast (on a regular basis). Or because I want him to wear more than three items from his overflowing closet Or because…I could go on ALL day.  I just want to be the "KEEPS CALM AND CARRIES ON MOM"  MOST of the time.  For now I am just going to do my best, love him like crazy, and  accept that I have NO clue what it feels like to be a wild and crazy four year old boy but I will always do my best to try and understand!

To my friend, I am sorry your heart hurts!

I’m no stranger to heartbreak. Like clothing at a vintage store, each one of mine is as unique as the relationship that preceded it. And regardless of the reasons or who did what, it always sucks. I will venture to say, though, that being the one who is on the receiving end has it worse than the deliveryman! So I’ve drawn on my extensive “getting dumped” experience and written an open letter to any of my sweet friends going thru something....“You tried! You loved him the best you could. You threw yourself in. You tried to show him how to love you, and it still did NOT work.  It’s not your fault, you did everything YOU knew to do!  Yes, this hurts. Because you gave so much more of yourself than you ever normally would have, more than you even knew you had in you. Because you compromised your own pride for him, Because you made him a priority, and in return all you were told  that you did NOT do enough.

You have to remember that compromise has to come from both sides of an equation, and you just can’t keep giving to someone who isn’t willing to give back. If you keep trying to do that, you’re just going to keep hurting. You tried to lower and lower the level of sacrifice, until he finally told you he couldn’t sacrifice anything at all. Yes, he was worth it to you, but you weren’t to him. So now you have to love yourself more than him. Now you have try to replace who you thought was irreplaceable, because you’ve been told that you are replaceable. You should not be made to feel interchangeable with whoever is convenient.

You have to remember that love doesn’t deal in “ifs” and “whens,” but in “always” and “no matter the circumstances.” “Can’t” is not in the vocabulary of love, only “how.” He couldn’t be bothered to figure that out with you, so you only got “can’t.” You deserve better than a man like that. You deserve someone who will think of ways to get the two of you around the obstacles that enter your path. Someone who thinks in “us” and “we,” not “I” and “me.” So keep fighting through the bad days, revel in the good ones, and remember that you’re worth it to someone. When you find him all this pain will make sense. You loved the wrong person so well, so just imagine how amazing you will be at loving the right person. Imagine what it will feel like to have all this trying actually be reciprocated. Trust that you will only go up from here, and push yourself to get there as soon as you can. You gave it everything, and as long as you keep that up, you’re going to be just fine.”