The Sunrise

I don't think I have every really seen one. On purpose at least. Maybe some glipses on the way to work or heading in from a late night, but I have never just gotten out of bed early for the pure intent on watching the sun rise. It is worth it I hear, and I felt like there would be no better place to witness one than my last morning in Mexico. I had this romanticized picture of me and Roger with a cup of coffee, talking to God and snapping the kind of photos that belonged on the front of a postcard.
So I got up at 5:30. a.m. Without the help of an alarm clock or a screaming Scout. I just woke up. I attempted breifly to go back to sleep, but then felt an urging to get out of bed and make my way down to the beach. This was going to be that moment.
I told Rog where I was going so he wouldn't worry and before he rolled over and went back to sleep he warned me that the sun rose on the side of the hotel......not the beach and that I probably wouldn't be able to see much. I said I wanted to watch it anyways. I figured it would still be beautiful and amazing through the palm trees instead of over the ocean. I just knew that God had nudged me out of bed and had something beautiful and special to show me.
So me and my trusty camera headed to the beach and I waited for God to start the show.
And I waited. Until it really wasn't dark anymore.
There were no pinks or oranges in the sky. Things just eventually got brighter. The sky actually looked kind of gray and dreary. This was not the kind of sunrise I had envisioned. Surely, the sun was going to sneak over the trees any second now and take my breath away.
Someone started to set out the coffee and someone else started to rake the sand. Morning had come without the kind of magical display I had hoped for.
The sky did not turn any brilliant shades. I did not snap any pictures.
As the darkness disapeared I couldn't help but be a little bit disappointed and wonder that maybe I should have just stayed in bed.
So I sat there on my rock on a white sandy beach with crystal clear water crashing at my feet and birds chirping and wondered why God had so clearly pulled me out of bed to see a nothing special sun rise.
And then the irony hit me.
Like a giant wave and took my breath away.
I was sitting in the middle of paradise, looking, unsuccessfully for God's beauty.
When all along I had been sitting smack dab in the middle of it.
God woke me up, not to show me a beautiful sun rise but to show me what was already there. To see the beauty in that. Not to miss the pink petals, or the turquoise water, or the shells growing heavy in my pockets.
That sometimes I am in the middle of paradise and missing the absoulte beauty that surrounds me. And not just on the beach but...
At home on the floor playing with my Scout
Or on the patio
Or at dinner with a friend.
And that I need to open up my eyes and soak all that in, rather than looking out on the horizon for more.

blue

There are some moments that might seem as though they never happened in the first place. A minute, an hour, a day – a span of time – where you wish you could have stepped out of yourself to view it from the outside. It was just that beautiful. Ahhh, the moment I met Baby Scout, holding my Granny's hand as she met God, Saratoga over Labor Day weekend 2004, we were hiking in a snow storm and put on our swimsuits and waded in the most beautiful lake I have ever seen. We were freezing but it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Running the Carlsbad half-marathon with D in 2002. We couldn't believe we finished, after the night before. We had slept on the sand and fallen asleep with a box of wine and a "ghetto-blaster" blaring Billy Joel's Piano Man album. We woke up with stiff necks and headaches but what a beautiful morning on the coast~ One more would be Buffalo Wyoming. I will always remember that town, that summer, that person I was with, and sitting in those rocking chairs on Main street thinking "it can't get much better than this." If you pay close enough attention, sometimes you actually realize, just know, in the middle of one of those beautiful moments that you're part of a solitary occurrence, mitigated by time, place and coincidence. By fate. A first breath, a first kiss, last kiss, goodbye, a first time you realize the world actually can be beautiful and perfect, if only for that one moment. And you also know it's not going to happen just that way ever again. So your heart takes a snapshot, if you give pause to let it. And then you will always rememberexactly the way the sunlight fell, or a specific shade of blue in the ocean, or the hum of the cars or the smell of fresh rain falling on a summer afternoon in Wyoming. Or the details of someone else's skin. The picture, the details are yours to keep, for when alone in darkness and blues are blacks, and the cars drive you crazy with their constant buzzing, and it seems you've lost your sense of smell. And you miss the details of someone else's skin.What is most intriguing about these snapshots is how easily they can provide a measure of comfort as well as one of regret -- of lost opportunities, broken connections and irretrievable time. I lost a love and had to remember to breathe thinking my life was over and I would never be able to love like that again. Then I unexpectedly fell in love again and recognized it the very moment that we first kissed and exhaled a sigh – one that was somehow left with my heart attached to it. I did it again and I was ok. Love. And I remember stopping to take a picture, knowing all too well that it was not to happen exactly that way ever again. It was overwhelming and tender and mournful. If I had to explain, even to myself, how I felt at those moments, it could take a thousand words or it could take very few. A name. A date. A song. The color blue. The word inevitable. Life may not be replete with the moments that pause your soul, the vivid memories of which cause your heart beat differently, or make it hard to swallow. And all the better. Much of the beauty of those moments lies in their rarity -- in the awe of being in the right place, at the right time, a partaker in coincidence. And in finding a reason to believe in fate.

It Happens

Maybe its human nature to feel like someone else has it better than you do. Someone else has more shoes, a great husband, a better body, whatever. It's easy to covet that thing which you perceive you do not have. In my case, it was a relationship. I don't know anyone who has a relationship precisely like the one I envision myself in, but that didn't stop me from wanting the companionship they have. He called me the other day asking me to delete MY blogs because they were causing him discord! HA! Does he not remember why we got to this place and why all I could do was offer him an occasional week night because I was so hurt over the past. I needed time to forgive while I decided what really mattered! Just as I assume he might have wanted! Instead he tried to move on while keeping me on the side, whatever!!! Now what I feel and what really happened is suddenly an issue? I have been honest with everyone about my chaso....Talk to anyone who knows me, that is what pisses me off! Not to mention it's totally gross to be double dipping and it hurts people so..for a day or two I think about what I want and seek answers around me....
I started really noticing that I'm the only one of my friends without an"other." I wondered if I would enjoy whatever I happened to be doing-watching a movie, eating dinner, hiking- a bit better if I had someone I really dug to experience it with me. Then I got the phone call. "Lar, I dunno what to do! I can't get my mind off of him! I know it's completely wrong and f-ed up, because he's my on and off and on again but I can't help it-I want him!" Oh no, I thought, he is a dork! I tried to offer some perspective, asking her if she thought it would be worth it to act on her feelings. Of course the obvious answer is no, but the heart has a funny way of justifying the way it feels. Why do you think you have this huge crush on this guy who is so wrong for you I asked her. She didn't know. Great!

A few days later I got an almost cryptic email from another dear friend canceling some plans we had arranged weeks before. She offered no explanation and, as that was out of character for her, I was concerned that something was wrong. She then emailed me a very thorough description of exactly what was wrong. Her husband is a cop and when he still wasn't home three hours after his shift ended, she began to worry – for obvious reasons. She called the station and he wasn't there. Turns out he was at the hospital visiting some female patient that I assume he rescued in an emergency. She had no idea about this person and no idea of his plans to visit her. She thought she may be over-reacting until she came across an extremely flirty (the word naked was used) email correspondence they were having, clearly, behind her back. Yet another couple I had faith in. They have this beautiful baby, this beautiful house, they're both good people. How could it go so awry? She's since packed up her baby and her bags and moved in with family- 1,000 miles away. I miss her and this sucks

There are countless stories I could share like these, but I think I may be tempted to commit confidentiality violations if I continue! Joking, of course. I'm not trying to make the case that all relationships are doomed. I simply refuse to believe that. What I realized, though, witnessing the suffering of ones I love is that they certainly DO NOT have it any better than me because they have someone to come home to. Hearing these plights made me feel deeply grateful that the only person's crap I need to deal with right now is my own. So, instead of toying with the notion that someone else has greener grass than I do, I've come to learn that the grass does not get any greener than where I'm standing! And, let me say, it's exceedingly liberating!

Are we there yet? Maybe never?

I think abouth when I used to be more open, less guarded...a little more joyful, even. But, perhaps that's just nostalgia talking.

"When did life get so hard?"

He asked me this a couple of weeks ago. It was a rhetorical question, but I'd wished I'd had an answer, because maybe then I'd have a better sense of how to go about things.

I'm not the sort of person who's never satisfied with what she's got, who's always wanting more, but lately there's an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't be filled.

I want what we all want. A love story of my own (we are sorta there right R????) Not an ideal love, even just the way we are is ok. Just someone to love, who will love me well, and fiercely, sometimes. Fiercely enough to stay.

The thing is...I know that if this sort of love knocked on my door a few months ago I wouldnt have been there....Am I there now? Are we there? I'm not in the place to entertain this right at the moment.....

Ah well...

All in good time.

Is it right?

I have run into a few situations, very recent, where I have been put in a position to make some tough calls. People, things, situations, etc. have come up where I have had the opportunity to "skate" around something I'd rather not even be in a "rink" with or; just totally choose not to put my skates on and go shoe shopping instead! Life is tough from time to time but I really believe It's easier to be yourself than pretending to be someone you are not. I mean why on Earth should we fake something we don't feel. The caveat to this is that I am starting to feel
it's not acceptable socially to be as clear, blunt, and upfront as I tend to be. Should I care? I mean really. Don't buy it if you won't "own" it right? Or wrong?

it is what it is

Everything reverts to numbers.....shapes, sizes, circles and squares...hey, you even have to have the right numbers to win the lottery! Well, also included in this, I'm afraid, is that as the population of the planet increases, so do the value of its numbers decrease. Is the value of family, work, and play worth more today than say ten years ago? Perhaps not.

We all have alot to pack into twenty-four fours a day....some are more successful then others, but boy, I don't know about you, but for me at the end of each day I still wish I had another two or three hours of extra time. After awhile its easy to feel like a machine punching a time clock, asking yourself, "What's it all about?" The search for meaning in life, for many, comes up empty, until one day a person decides that it's time to embark upon a journey to find what this place called earth is all about....and why we are here. As a collective human family, the answers can come easily...but the individual stories....ah.....therein lies the search that many at some point in their lives find themselves on. That's when we realize we are more than just a number......a sea of faces, where each one has its own story that cries to be heard.

I found, for myself, that I could only go so far until I had to seek out the meaning for my life. Finding inner value became a necessity. I refused to believe that my happiness could only be based upon material things, which I found very temporary, until one day I sat down in a chair, looked up, and said "Please God, help me find the answers." Not until that moment did I feel myself connected with my spiritual essence. I've always looked upon myself as a realist....not somebody who just believes for the sake of believing. I search for evidence. Today as I look around this world I have to believe that there is a reason for everything. I wasn't born to go to school, find a job, make money, retire, and drop dead. Somewhere in-between all of this is Life. We all have a Life.....a story to pass along.

This globe that we live on spirals through space in a synchronized order with our solar system....mathematics in play, numbers all working together to maintain some kind of order....as one thing swings out, eventually it swings back....the pendulum of Time and Space. Each second has its value, and so does each Life.

Foie Gras, I think not!

Imagine having a pipe rammed down your throat, while large amount of food were pumped down your airway. Choking, gasping for air, your tongue doesn't even get to taste and find out what's going in to your stomach.

This is what mankind are doing to some poor creatures just so that people get to eat what they want. Just because the Foie Gras recipe requires a nicely fattened duck or goose liver. We think its our right to do as we see fit, for our own gains and pleasure. What about animal rights? What about their suffering?

I urge all to spare a thought for these animals, abstain from food such as shark's fin, drunken prawns, foie gras, dog meat, where the animals have to suffer miserably at mankind's hands before being slaughtered and served on the table.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYql8T57Wd4