Tuesday, May 18, 2010


There are some moments that might seem as though they never happened in the first place. A minute, an hour, a day – a span of time – where you wish you could have stepped out of yourself to view it from the outside. It was just that beautiful. Ahhh, the moment I met Baby Scout, holding my Granny's hand as she met God, Saratoga over Labor Day weekend 2004, we were hiking in a snow storm and put on our swimsuits and waded in the most beautiful lake I have ever seen. We were freezing but it was one of the happiest moments of my life. Running the Carlsbad half-marathon with D in 2002. We couldn't believe we finished, after the night before. We had slept on the sand and fallen asleep with a box of wine and a "ghetto-blaster" blaring Billy Joel's Piano Man album. We woke up with stiff necks and headaches but what a beautiful morning on the coast~ One more would be Buffalo Wyoming. I will always remember that town, that summer, that person I was with, and sitting in those rocking chairs on Main street thinking "it can't get much better than this." If you pay close enough attention, sometimes you actually realize, just know, in the middle of one of those beautiful moments that you're part of a solitary occurrence, mitigated by time, place and coincidence. By fate. A first breath, a first kiss, last kiss, goodbye, a first time you realize the world actually can be beautiful and perfect, if only for that one moment. And you also know it's not going to happen just that way ever again. So your heart takes a snapshot, if you give pause to let it. And then you will always rememberexactly the way the sunlight fell, or a specific shade of blue in the ocean, or the hum of the cars or the smell of fresh rain falling on a summer afternoon in Wyoming. Or the details of someone else's skin. The picture, the details are yours to keep, for when alone in darkness and blues are blacks, and the cars drive you crazy with their constant buzzing, and it seems you've lost your sense of smell. And you miss the details of someone else's skin.What is most intriguing about these snapshots is how easily they can provide a measure of comfort as well as one of regret -- of lost opportunities, broken connections and irretrievable time. I lost a love and had to remember to breathe thinking my life was over and I would never be able to love like that again. Then I unexpectedly fell in love again and recognized it the very moment that we first kissed and exhaled a sigh – one that was somehow left with my heart attached to it. I did it again and I was ok. Love. And I remember stopping to take a picture, knowing all too well that it was not to happen exactly that way ever again. It was overwhelming and tender and mournful. If I had to explain, even to myself, how I felt at those moments, it could take a thousand words or it could take very few. A name. A date. A song. The color blue. The word inevitable. Life may not be replete with the moments that pause your soul, the vivid memories of which cause your heart beat differently, or make it hard to swallow. And all the better. Much of the beauty of those moments lies in their rarity -- in the awe of being in the right place, at the right time, a partaker in coincidence. And in finding a reason to believe in fate.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

It Happens

Maybe its human nature to feel like someone else has it better than you do. Someone else has more shoes, a great husband, a better body, whatever. It's easy to covet that thing which you perceive you do not have. In my case, it was a relationship. I don't know anyone who has a relationship precisely like the one I envision myself in, but that didn't stop me from wanting the companionship they have. He called me the other day asking me to delete MY blogs because they were causing him discord! HA! Does he not remember why we got to this place and why all I could do was offer him an occasional week night because I was so hurt over the past. I needed time to forgive while I decided what really mattered! Just as I assume he might have wanted! Instead he tried to move on while keeping me on the side, whatever!!! Now what I feel and what really happened is suddenly an issue? I have been honest with everyone about my chaso....Talk to anyone who knows me, that is what pisses me off! Not to mention it's totally gross to be double dipping and it hurts people so..for a day or two I think about what I want and seek answers around me....
I started really noticing that I'm the only one of my friends without an"other." I wondered if I would enjoy whatever I happened to be doing-watching a movie, eating dinner, hiking- a bit better if I had someone I really dug to experience it with me. Then I got the phone call. "Lar, I dunno what to do! I can't get my mind off of him! I know it's completely wrong and f-ed up, because he's my on and off and on again but I can't help it-I want him!" Oh no, I thought, he is a dork! I tried to offer some perspective, asking her if she thought it would be worth it to act on her feelings. Of course the obvious answer is no, but the heart has a funny way of justifying the way it feels. Why do you think you have this huge crush on this guy who is so wrong for you I asked her. She didn't know. Great!

A few days later I got an almost cryptic email from another dear friend canceling some plans we had arranged weeks before. She offered no explanation and, as that was out of character for her, I was concerned that something was wrong. She then emailed me a very thorough description of exactly what was wrong. Her husband is a cop and when he still wasn't home three hours after his shift ended, she began to worry – for obvious reasons. She called the station and he wasn't there. Turns out he was at the hospital visiting some female patient that I assume he rescued in an emergency. She had no idea about this person and no idea of his plans to visit her. She thought she may be over-reacting until she came across an extremely flirty (the word naked was used) email correspondence they were having, clearly, behind her back. Yet another couple I had faith in. They have this beautiful baby, this beautiful house, they're both good people. How could it go so awry? She's since packed up her baby and her bags and moved in with family- 1,000 miles away. I miss her and this sucks

There are countless stories I could share like these, but I think I may be tempted to commit confidentiality violations if I continue! Joking, of course. I'm not trying to make the case that all relationships are doomed. I simply refuse to believe that. What I realized, though, witnessing the suffering of ones I love is that they certainly DO NOT have it any better than me because they have someone to come home to. Hearing these plights made me feel deeply grateful that the only person's crap I need to deal with right now is my own. So, instead of toying with the notion that someone else has greener grass than I do, I've come to learn that the grass does not get any greener than where I'm standing! And, let me say, it's exceedingly liberating!