Wink

Sometimes, the most difficult grieving to be done is not for what has been lost, but for what one never had in the first place.

It occurred to me today, that this is an odd statement. It's often used by people to describe their relationship with someone with whom they've not had, (or are not currently having sex with)

"So are you guys...you know...wink wink, nudge nudge."

"Oh, no. We're just friends."

It's the 'just' part of 'just friends,' that I don't get. It makes it sound like it's somehow second best; second, anyway, to someone you have 'done it' with.

In thinking about it, it doesn't seem right at all. My friends are the people who've stuck around through the years, (despite the fact that I haven't 'put out'), to share the good and the bad, of one another, and of life. The people I've had sex with, though (some of whom swore their undying love)...well...where the hell are they?! With the exception of 5 or 6 with whom I'm still close, they're go-o-ooone.
If you ask me, it should be just the opposite.
"So...are you guys, you know...friends?"
"Oh no. We just had sex."
Just sayin'.
Throughout my dating/relationship years, I've come to realize that the particular passion (you know the one), that fuels and consumes us in the early part of a relationship doesn't last forever. It's wonderful, but it's over-rated when you realize that what is needed to sustain a relationship through the years is the sort of intimacy that comes with a much deeper connection; one of mutual admiration, respect, kindness and caring. And, if you already have that in a relationship, can the passion grow from there? Ideally, a relationship would have both, but if you had to choose one...
Hmm.
My question is...
Would you risk a wonderful friendship to see if it could be something more? Or, would you be satisfied with the wonderful friendship, just the way it is?
I already know my answer. At least...I think I do...

The Pitcher from my past.....

A few nights ago when I got a call from the "Pitcher"  I figured out why I am so hesitant and generally wishy-washy about him and why I am NOT ready to date in general.

I was settled into my new weekend routine, when my little nugget is with his dad, watching DVR while having a glass of wine. A friend of mine was over and we were debating the relative hotness of the guys on the show. Very important stuff.

The Pitcher called, so I excused myself to the patio so as to not interrupt the television-watching. He asked what I was doing, and I told him without hesitating, "Drinking a glass of wine and watching TV with a friend."

"Oh, you're all snuggled up with someone?" he asked, which is a lame way of asking if I'm seeing someone.

I assured him that I wasn't and we had a short conversation. Toward the end he said, "Well, it was good talking to you. Go enjoy your bottle of wine."

"Glass," I said. "I'm having a glass of wine."

"Well, one always leads to another," he said. "You know how that works."

And that's when it hit me. I am ambivalent about him because he makes me feel self-conscious about my actions and because no matter what happens, I will always be the "bad" one in the relationship.

I am an adult. I'm 33 and I drink and I wear shirts that show off my cleavage sometimes and I hobble around on three-inch heels. I sometimes stay out late and I look forward to a glass of wine after after a long day.  I get manicures, I bribe my son with Skylanders and I don't save as much money as I should.

I stay up  late. I enjoy trashy TV shows when I should be vacuuming or organizing or bleaching something. I eat grapes and grilled cheese or pizza and pb&j when I should be having a salad and apple slices. I play Taylor Swift too loud so that Scout and i dance around the house in our PJs and crack ourselves up.

I sleep in when Scouts not home and  my last thought at night before I go to bed is about what time I should set my alarm. I often skip breakfast, but I always have my coffee. I am slightly addicted to Diet Coke and at least once a week, I sneak off to the candy isle of Tom Thumb for a white chocolate Reese's peanut butter cup.

And I am fine with it all.

I'm also a good mother, friend and daughter. I love my son and the rest of family and friends. I work hard. . I am a shoulder to cry on, someone who will listen and a person you can go to when you just want to laugh. I will cook you dinner and make dessert.

I love the Lord and go to a non denominational church on Saturdays even tho I am an Episcopalian.

I will dance all night for your birthday and buy you a drink when your heart is broken. I'll give you advice I know you won't take and I will do my best to avoid saying "I told you so" later. (I sometimes fail at this one.) You can cry to me and I will never tell anyone. You can tease me and I'll tease back.

And what I really need is someone who is fine with it all, too.  I am guessing this person may not exist.  I am okay with this.  Being happy alone, is much better than being unhappy with someone else.

 So please Pitcher, delete my number.  You have been retired IR just won't cut it anymore.  

Old Fling

I was perusing a Facebook account of an old fling. I don't know why. He was also a long-time friend, but the aftermath of the fling probably makes that verb-tense just. I'd just seen two other very close long-time mutual friends. Maybe that's what put me in the mind to check in on him.
His profile says he's single. And in his description (or one of those random thingies you put on Facebook), he said he was getting over a crappy relationship. I'm either happy or ashamed that I have no idea if this relationship was the one I knew him last to be in, or if there have been others between. As a friend, definitely ashamed. As someone glad to not have more twists and turns in her life than she has road maps, I suppose it's a little nice to know I've managed to let this one slip off the radar.
But, that's not at all my point. Which of course you knew that if you knew me and understand exactly how many paragraphs I require in order to actually say anything.
A crappy relationship. It struck me because with him in particular, well, he's the type of guy who is always getting over a crappy relationship. Except for the time when he's in the relationship with someone who could be "the one". It seems that once they're over, all his relationships were crappy. Myself included, I'm well aware. Of course there were things to make it crappy. After all, we're not still together anymore. He's not still with this new ex-dame. If there were no downhill, there'd be no crap. But it puzzles me. Am I the only one who doesn't hold grudges against exes? Am I alone in the thought that hey, we weren't made for each other but that doesn't make you a monster? Yes. Some relationships were definite crap. But for the most part, I believe it's just two cool people coming together who turned out to be not-quite right for each other. I mean, if I were to slander all my exes and call them scum, what does that say about my taste? I heart scum? Why do so many people love to hate the ones they once loved?