Friday, May 18, 2012

Life, please slow down....

Life has been moving so quickly lately. A couple of days ago I drove by SMU. Classes were finishing for the day, and the sidewalks were busy with mostly fresh-faced students. It was in the middle of the campus that I had 'a moment.'

In the blink of an eye, it seemed, I was 32 What happened to my 20s and my teens? The college days? Where did they go?!

I'm not lamenting a lost decade, nothing like that. I have truly enjoyed almost every single moment in time. Lots of great memories. I don't wish to go back to them. I really like the 32 year old me me. A little more life experience under my belt. I'm more comfortable in my skin, and I'm having a ball! Seriously I am doing things I never imagined or ever thought I'd even want to do. I have met amazing new people and have made another set of friends I will have for a lifetime. But, every once in awhile they happen, the moments that make real the quick passing of time. Things that seem to have happened just yesterday, as I am recounting a story, actually happened more than a decade ago. I find myself saying, more and more, "That seems impossible."

I can remember, in my 20s, older people telling me/us to enjoy the time, for all it was worth, because it goes by so quickly. We shrugged it off. We had all the time in the world. Now, I see, I feel what they meant. I know it, from my own experience, to be true. The days, they pass by so fast. I only know that I want to be able to look back, another decade from now, and be able to say that, all in all, it was time well spent and I loved every moment of it! Just my thoughts! Live it up......Life passes so quickly~Do what makes you happy and enjoy everything..............Good and bad! 

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I had a ridiculously productive day foday. it was nice…odd, but nice. Cleaning the house, loving the MOST AMAZING LITTLE BOY EVER, loving the dogs, AND LASTLY, cleaning up my cluttered desk in the media room...
Whatever. a place of order encourages ordered thinking!

I will cease and desist.

But i thought maybe i'd update you on what i've done because i would rather do anything but run, which is what i should be doing but instead i'm here.

i listened to the John Mayer station on pandora radio. do you know about pandora radio? i. it's awesome. you should go there. it's completely free and easy to use, I am a few years late but LOVE IT.....

And in the midst of this i decided that the soundtrack to my summer is going to be populated by boys who play guitar - PHILLIP PHILLIPS,  Greg Allman,  James Taylor,  john mayer, michael franti, with appearances by Bob Seager (how did i not know that i am in love with him?) and maybe some Dixie Chicks, just because girls are pretty great too. 

Monday, May 14, 2012


I went to Heaven last today.
I'm not here to share the story of my death. 
I'm here to share the story of my life... 

Something happened in my life not too long ago, it was pretty terrible and I don't like to talk about it.  

After that happened, I knew I couldn't trust people much... so I laid on the side of the road waiting for someone to hit me, hoping I would fall asleep and die.
Even though I had laid in the same spot for a few weeks, and was pretty sure I was finally starving to death, almost certain I would never know love, Laramie came my way.  She pulled up and knew I needed her, sadly I couldn't tell her that it wouldn't be for long.  Laramie and her friend Laurie spent the weekend working with me and giving me the best food I have ever tasted.  They helped me drink water and showed me what love and hugs really feel like. On Friday the vet told them the chances of me being ok were slim, in my heart I was really hoping I would feel better too. Today things got worse.  Laramie took me to the vet again, she was scared but did not think I could tell.  Laurie cried.  

In the car,  she gently rubbed my head, silently praying she could fix me.
I wanted to stay with her forever, but I knew in my heart that I wasn't going to make it. But Laramie didn't know that yet... or she just refused to believe it, because she wasn't ready to let me go. When we got there, she talked to the vet.  They ran a few tests, snuggled with me and cried some too.....Then... she looked at me, and gave me the most awesome hug, a lovely kiss and told me that I mattered and I was loved. That's how I knew it was okay to go. I headed to heaven May 14, 2012 and it's even more amazing than you could ever imagine.  I feel good again, but I feel even better knowing that there is still kindness on Earth and even the smallest creatures can mean something to someone.

*Oh Sweet Pippa, my heart broke for you today, I can't believe humans can be so cruel and dogs like you can still smile and trust.  You are now an angel.  God is very lucky to have you  home..... I thank him for letting me show you love.  

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


I can’t describe a mother’s love. It would be like describing music to a deaf man or the perfect glass of wine to a Morman.  A mother’s love; it exists only in a dimension understood once you get there.

A mother’s love is uprooting her life from one side of the world and moving to another. A mother’s love is scouring a Target for the "Blue Batman" that was dropped.  A mother’s love is putting you in front of the mirror to show you how beautiful you are. A mother’s love is a bag in her purse because you throw up whenever you get nervous. A mother’s love is listening when the rest of the World won't. A mother’s love is calling you back after you hang up on her. A mother’s love is being sorry and being ashamed, because she didn’t live up to her own expectations. A mother’s love is – I’ll hold your hand no matter what.

A mother’s love is unconditional. It is loving your bad moods, your heart, your brain.

She loved me before she even knew me and – and long after she knew me too well. She loved me completely – even when she might not have liked me very much.

I know sometimes I can be ugly. I can be insensitive. I can be hurtful. I am this way because that is who I am.

I have never doubted your love, but I’m certain you may have doubted mine. I wonder if you think I’m grateful for you. I am – very much so.

I think we both think things could be better. I think we both wish it were different – sometimes. I want a fairytale – and you want it for me – we just sometimes draw different pictures of the happily ever after.

Three years ago I entered motherhood. I stare in disbelief at the boy we created.
Being a mother is a tremendous responsibility – to him – to the world. To give him the foundation for confidence, courage, respect, happiness. Arm him with some sort of beginning to take on the world, and build a strong and happy life for himself. I want for my child what any mother wants – a healthy laugh, happiness, a smile, eternal love.

On Mother’s Day, I don’t expect to be thanked. In fact, I use the day to remember what a privilege it is to be a mother. I am lucky to be able to look at my son and be filled with pride – in him and me.

But how do you thank the person without whom you wouldn’t be? How do you thank someone for air and breath and lungs and life? How do you thank someone for sleepless nights, for a lifetime of worry, for painful compromises, for never being first, for feeling the hurt every time you fall? How do you thank a person whose heart aches for you long after yours has skipped a beat?

A mother’s love …

There is no title so powerful, so important, so impactful, so innate – as mama.

Monday, April 16, 2012

I trust.....

I've placed trust in others. I've misplaced it. I've been trusted. I've been untrustworthy. People let you down, sometimes when you least expect it. They do all sorts of shit, for all sorts of complicated reasons. You forgive, forget, move forward. Sometimes, you just move on.I will be hurt again. Such is life.
I trust that... inner voice knows what it's talking about, when I choose to listen to it.
...I will know when to draw the line.
...I will have the support of family and friends to see me through.
...even though it hurts, I'll recover.
It seems a lot of people are on a quest for happiness, trying to think themselves there, trying to attain it as though it was some grand state of being.
Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that happiness is an emotion, like any sadness, or anger. It is not an end goal, but is found in moments.

Happiness comes and goes.
Happiness. Sadness.
"This too shall pass." thought is...
Enjoy it while you can.
Recognize it.
Cultivate it, even.

It's in the little things...
...kind words.
...when I get it right.
...warm thoughts remembered.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Guilt, YUCK

To be such a small word... it holds so much meaning. 

At some point in each of our lives, we've all experienced guilt, in one form or another.

Sometimes... we feel guilty, because we've done something wrong. Maybe we hurt someone, or failed someone, or lost someone. 

At those times, we should feel guilty, because we made choices that compromised our integrity... and we hurt others in the process. 

It's important for us to acknowledge, accept, and process those feelings of guilt, because that's what makes us human-- humans who actually give a crap. But also, that guilt can be leveraged for good. It can push us forward... challenging us to right the wrongs, and become better people. 

In those cases, guilt provides us with an honest opportunity to apologize, make amends, grow, and heal. Obviously, these are good things

However... far too often... we feel guilty for things that we shouldn't feel guilty about. And I'm calling myself out on this one... big time

I'm guilty of... excessive guilt. 
Chances are... you are too.

What do I mean? 

Well... I feel guilty when I work too much. I feel guilty when I work too little. I feel guilty when I ask for help. I feel guilty when I don't even ask. 

I feel guilty when I say, "Yes." I feel guilty when I say, "No." I feel guilty when I take chances. I feel guilty when I avoid risks. 

I feel guilty because I did too little. I feel guilty because I did too much. I feel guilty when I put myself first. I feel guilty when I put myself last.

I feel guilty for about 20000 million other reasons too, but I think you catch my drift...

Sooo... at this point, you're probably thinking 1 of 2 things: 
1- "OMG! Me too!!!"
2- "This chick is sooo lame..."

To those of you in that second group... you're absolutely right. I'm way lame.

But to the first group... that "me-too-crew", I feel your pain. Trust me... I do. I'm always worried that I've let someone down, even when I haven't. I'm always feeling like I haven't done enough, even when I have. And I always seem to apologize for things... that need no apology. 

With that last line about apologies, I can guarantee you that every person who knows me personally just laughed and thought, "She sooo does that." 

Don't trade your power for guilt. Trade guilt for your power