Maybe its human nature to feel like someone else has it better than you do. Someone else has more shoes, a great husband, a better body, whatever. It's easy to covet that thing which you perceive you do not have. In my case, it was a relationship. I don't know anyone who has a relationship precisely like the one I envision myself in, but that didn't stop me from wanting the companionship they have. He called me the other day asking me to delete MY blogs because they were causing him discord! HA! Does he not remember why we got to this place and why all I could do was offer him an occasional week night because I was so hurt over the past. I needed time to forgive while I decided what really mattered! Just as I assume he might have wanted! Instead he tried to move on while keeping me on the side, whatever!!! Now what I feel and what really happened is suddenly an issue? I have been honest with everyone about my chaso....Talk to anyone who knows me, that is what pisses me off! Not to mention it's totally gross to be double dipping and it hurts people so..for a day or two I think about what I want and seek answers around me....
I started really noticing that I'm the only one of my friends without an"other." I wondered if I would enjoy whatever I happened to be doing-watching a movie, eating dinner, hiking- a bit better if I had someone I really dug to experience it with me. Then I got the phone call. "Lar, I dunno what to do! I can't get my mind off of him! I know it's completely wrong and f-ed up, because he's my on and off and on again but I can't help it-I want him!" Oh no, I thought, he is a dork! I tried to offer some perspective, asking her if she thought it would be worth it to act on her feelings. Of course the obvious answer is no, but the heart has a funny way of justifying the way it feels. Why do you think you have this huge crush on this guy who is so wrong for you I asked her. She didn't know. Great!
A few days later I got an almost cryptic email from another dear friend canceling some plans we had arranged weeks before. She offered no explanation and, as that was out of character for her, I was concerned that something was wrong. She then emailed me a very thorough description of exactly what was wrong. Her husband is a cop and when he still wasn't home three hours after his shift ended, she began to worry – for obvious reasons. She called the station and he wasn't there. Turns out he was at the hospital visiting some female patient that I assume he rescued in an emergency. She had no idea about this person and no idea of his plans to visit her. She thought she may be over-reacting until she came across an extremely flirty (the word naked was used) email correspondence they were having, clearly, behind her back. Yet another couple I had faith in. They have this beautiful baby, this beautiful house, they're both good people. How could it go so awry? She's since packed up her baby and her bags and moved in with family- 1,000 miles away. I miss her and this sucks
There are countless stories I could share like these, but I think I may be tempted to commit confidentiality violations if I continue! Joking, of course. I'm not trying to make the case that all relationships are doomed. I simply refuse to believe that. What I realized, though, witnessing the suffering of ones I love is that they certainly DO NOT have it any better than me because they have someone to come home to. Hearing these plights made me feel deeply grateful that the only person's crap I need to deal with right now is my own. So, instead of toying with the notion that someone else has greener grass than I do, I've come to learn that the grass does not get any greener than where I'm standing! And, let me say, it's exceedingly liberating!
