The Here and Now

i'm thankful for the freedom to be content exactly where i am. i'm not bound to the wants, the what-ifs and the wouldn't-that-be-nice's. that even if they come to mind (or heart) i have the power to realize that, while maybe those things may come to me at some

point, i am standing right in the middle of Gods will for me.

i may feel ready for Roger to be back working in Dallas with us, but i'm thankful for

his job out of town that has provided for us while some pray for any sort of job.

i may want to live down the street from my mom or dad (somedays), be in a 3rd world country passing out the only meal a child may get that week, or rescuing every animal abused or neglected but i have to trust that now is not the time.

i may want a bigger house with more rooms and an amazing playroom, but i need to

remember that it is the feelings in a house that make someone welcome, not the size.

i may long for (a little) more time to myself at the end of the night, but i need to be mindful of
how quickly Scout will grow up.

i'm learning more every day to fully embrace exactly where i am.

even the obstacles can be fun sometimes.

What does iIT mean?

IT means that as much as i want to buckle him in the highchair sometimes

and hurriedly get some things done,

the nug often roams and explores the kitchen beneath me.

SS will pull every towel & bib that we own out of the drawer.

IT always means that i have a lot of damage control to do at nap time and late at night.

i hope IT also means that i have a child who knows how valued he is right now.

that he knows that learning, exploring and being is his "job" right now.

that HE knows that none of the stuff is more important than

guiding & loving his little heart i could look at today and say that we just made soup,

but i think we did much more.

Lazy Saturday morning, kinda

we've had a lazy, happy saturday .

i keep meaning to be folding the 2 loads of clean laundry sitting here,

but get distracted by breaks to watch Stout Scout build the same block tower over and over or

clean up everysinglething this has dragged out from the numerous toy boxes.

then, i download photos and briefly chat with my online friends about how we never got up this early in our former

lives. of course, i need another coffee by now.

i go back to fold laundry, but now SS is ready for a nap.

fresh diaper, lotion, a little rock and off to bed.

that means Kombucha and quiet time for me

i finally get to clean up the smashed blueberries from this morning

and pick up the random wonder pet, microphone & baseball bat laying around.

i feel the need to sit now & go back to photos as a break, but

i haven't done what i set out to do at all.

i'm okay with that. that is totally my life & that's what we do as moms, isn't it?

take it as it comes and deal with it.

it's not always as planned, but it's happy.

[i am considering taking that word 'lazy' out of the first sentence though.]

Pretty sad, I must say.

I need six hours. In those six hours I would...

Get waxed.
Finishing editing my case notes for my my SOD gig.
Send off Scout's school paperwork.
Make sure that I sent off MDO tuition
Organize my calendar
Get caught up on blogs.
Write a real blog that is not a list.
Clean out my email.
Clean out my blog email.
Figure out what Twitter is all about.
Figure out a business proposal w/ Stella and Dor
Floss well.
Read the five unread magazines by my bed.
Call my long lost friends.
Research what do with the remaining veggies on my counter-top.
What kind of world do I live in that the most relaxing event of my life is a pretend 6 hours?

Am I really in my third decade?

This is one of those weeks that it takes everything I have to be very intentional about my day, making sure I balance the work with the play. Errands. Broken dishwasher. Man, did i underestimate the time a dishwasher saves me.

A husband gone for work 24/7 5 days a week so that I can stay home with Scout. Time with friends. Time to sit on the floor and put puzzles together.

Honestly, it is weeks like this that i want to bury my face in my pillow and sleep all day!

I want everything done, but i can't believe that it is ME that is supposed to do it.

I am a procrastinator by nature. I think i'm probably sloppy by nature.

and a lot of times, i'd love someone else to do the hard work for me. Then I remember i'm grown up. When did this happen?

Although I still love some appreciation, I'm doing it. I am being a grown up.

Sometimes I let Scout have blueberries and peanut butter for breakfast, lunch,

and dinner. He loves to around the dressing room angering others,

carry plastic bottles of water, spilling as he goes (it does not stain.)

At the end of the night I put the little guy to bed, enjoy a glass of wine and Nancy Grace and I am proud & excited about my life and my job as Scouts Mom and Rogers wife. I kinda like this grown up gig!

Scout and I have our comfy clothes on tonight. i don't get many things done in a day. Yesterday, we did grocery shopping. i kid you not that it took close to 2hours from leaving the house to all groceries put away.But, I try my very hardest to involve Scout. Yesterday that meant that an orange rolls across the whole produce section as it misses being THROWN into the bag. and it means that I laugh and tell Scout, "try again. gentle this time."even despite the dirty looks from the man that almost tripped over the orange.The lady that smiled at Scout and winked at me trumped him anyway.

Bye Bye Baby

Everyday this rambunctious little boy who is full of

throwing blocks, giggling & dancing like a wild chicken slowly waddles up to me. He tugs on my shirt and we sit on the floor. I marvel at the fact that he loves me, trusts me, enough to just be. Today I felt like Scout woke up from his nap a true toddler . Reading a book waiting for me to come in. Sure he has been toddling around for months, but

I think it was that he was so intent on his book that when he looked up that sealed the deal. There goes Baby Scout.

Full Blown Toddler : ( h in you.

The trusting casual way a tiny hand, slipped into a larger one -cracked and worn – cam even the iciest of hearts.

Children are our miracles we are blessed with every day.There’s something about the love of a child. Something in the way that eyes light up, when Daddy enters a room. In soft peaceful breath on Mummy’s breast when drifting off to dreamland. Words unspoken that whisper their faith in you.

The trusting casual way a tiny hand, slipped into a larger one -cracked and worn – can melt away the years of worry and warm even the iciest of hearts.

Children are our miracles we are blessed with every

I'm 30 years old and have a child, yet somehow "mom" seems like a bit of a foreign concept to me.i mean, i do mom. sometimes i even do mom pretty well, but i honestly forget that i have to be so grown up sometimes.
i remember so freshly some of the things about my mom that i'm beginning to see our Scout remembering.
i remember how young & pretty she was when she'd pick me up from her 5 hours off a week when I was at MDO . i remember how she never yelled. not once. i remember a scene at the grocery store that i basically just had with Scout.it involved almost swatting him for screaming when i took the bleach out of his hand.[and how it sometimes catches you off guard.]i remember her filling up an inflatabl pool in the summer & sunbathing in it.i remember how i spoke to her was breaking her heart, but she was the person who i could trust would always love me anyway.i'm so very thankful for the chance to be mom to Scout/ i'm so thankful that he gets to have my mom Grandma Vicki.it is a surprisingly wonderful feeling to have a part of your heartwalking around separate from you.i pray i can do this amazing little man justice.that he knows... how loved he is.how treasured he is.how he has a great plan that he was made forin His image.

Sorry I’ve been mostly MIA from the blog for a bit. A friend has visited, We went to Florida and Scout is a busy body all of a sudden and I feel I am always off trying to entertain him (which is kind of an exhausting task, I won’t lie).

So, last night I went to the gym. Nothing groundbreaking there. However, I had several thoughts as I ran in place on a moving conveyor belt. Here are some of them.

• Do other people experience this? It seems like every time I go to the gym, there are a couple of people who are always there. It seems impossible that we have the same exact schedule. These people are ALWAYS at the gym!! One of them is the cutest old man who comes to the Zumba class I do. I love that he’s not embarrassed to go to an overwhelmingly female class. There is another woman who is about 45-50 I’d guess, tanned to the max, definitely has breast implants, and always wears full makeup and has her hair done. She also always wears the same outfit.
• There is a woman who I see running on the treadmill almost every time I go. She is a beast. Not in the physical sense, she’s a small woman, but holy shit. She runs around a 7:20 minute mile. That is fast!!! What kills me though is her running posture. She runs with her arms bent at her sides like a velociraptor. I made fun of her in my head at first until I realized she ran 6 miles in like 43 minutes and was kicking my ass on the treadmill.I particularly enjoyed last night looking over and seeing a guy going to town on a climbing machine. The machine is right next to a mirrored wall and he was watching himself with such pride. He was staring at himself and smiling. I loved it. Then he caught me looking at him and that was an awkward moment.
• I like when someone gets on the treadmill around the same time as me and starts running. It sounds weird perhaps but it gives me motivation. If I’m struggling but they’re still next to me running, I don’t want to quit. It’s like they’re pushing me to keep going. Last night the guy next to me got off and I still had another mile to go!! Asshole. (Just kidding).

Sunday, the guy I dated 5 years got married. I’ve been thinking about it and how I feel about it. I’m not sad. I’m….incredulous? Confused, perhaps? I am married and happy, for the most part :) Long ago I wrote about letting go of the hurt and just wishing him well. I still feel those things. I guess I am just kind of mad that we never had a conversation about the way it ended when it really finally did end. He could’ve gone out not looking like such an asshole but he didn’t. It should’ve been over when he told me about the other girl he had "coffee" with (who, no, is not the girl he married today). However, he kept texting and calling and confusing me. I almost missed out on marrying my current husband because of this clown. I was delusional for awhile and thought somehow it was going to work out. I think if I had been strong enough, it would’ve been best to cut him out completely, but I didn’t feel like I could. It took him moving to Texas trying to work "us" out. They got married Sunday evening and he already changed it on facebook. That’s the world we live in, I guess. In a way, I’m glad this happened. It closes a chapter for me forever. I can look back at what we had as a complete and finished memory. We won’t be making any more together.

I’m really going to try to resolve to focus on myself. That sounds cliche, perhaps, but I think for the best. There is a lot I want to accomplish. I want to continue to make my life fuller. I want to keep making Scout and Roger happy and happier. I want to meet people and make more REAL friend. I want to keep working to find contentment in the present. Sometimes I think I just get lonely or maybe bored. Such is life.

This may be the most boring post I’ve ever written. Sorry dudes. I have something I’m thinking about writing later. Maybe it’ll be a little more riveting.