Monday, December 27, 2010

Edit my FB please

I've been self editing my Facebooking lately. It's not that I don't have the urge to write things. It's just I have to fight the urge to write really inappropriate things that maybe my old High School English teacher or father doesn't really need or want to know. Or anyone needs or wants to know for that matter.
"Can't wait to spend another day with my little boy" (read on a day where I am counting the minutes until bedtime) or "just took a 5 mile run" (read on a day where I've consumed a box and half of something that's surely not good for me or my thighs) posts have me really rethinking my 'status' box.
Social Media as a marketing tool I get and even as a way to be funny and irreverent but should the bragging be banned? Five years ago I had trouble deciding what to post considering my life was full of boy drama, friend issues, crisis, etc. Now instead of wanting to release all the fear and anxiety that being a parent brought, I want to breathe in every second of sweetness that my kiddo brings to me. And as much as I feared sharing my issues back then, I am equally afraid to share the Polyanna parent in me too, well maybe just on Facebook. Because frankly, it's annoying. It's annoying to hear someone complain too much about their kids and it's equally annoying to hear someone brag too much about their kids. Therefore, I've come to the conclusion that maybe I should just stop talking about my kid. But I can't. It's simply too big a love to shut my mouth. The same way I nauseated everyone of my friends after I first met my Rog. Somewhere along the way, I stopped. And I guess, life eventually did balance out: I stopped watching football with him and he stopped watching Nancy Grace with me; although we do come find each other on commercial breaks for a chat. (or a "can you please put your socks away?")
So, for now, I'm holding back on the 'ultra-annoying FB-look at me' posts. Of course, I have to sprinkle my page with the occasional kid photo and a "Laramie Steward is so hungover" just because I'm bored and have trouble showing restraint.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Who are we???

I don't understand where Americans have gone. I guess when people are scared, many put themselves ahead of others. Thank God we have some heroes out there and that some of us give a damn about others. I wrote a paper about property theory and even I thought I was in for a boring few weeks. Come to find out not too long ago we had a balance between three interest groups — businesses, unions and government. And our political decisions were generally worked out between the first two with government serving as referee. Welcome Reagan and things began to change. He cut back on regulation. Bush cut taxes mostly for the rich. I think it was David Hume who noted that humans fall along a spectrum ranging from those who really care about others to those who are happy to kill — directly or indirectly — to make greedy pay offs to themselves.Most of us know both types and those ranging between them who can turn mean when scared, Sarah Palins hunting buddies, ugh!!! I feel terrible at what is going on with US today . Even racism is returning. Our treatment of teachers and nurses is a disgrace ! Especially when we waste money on pointless war!

I cannot believe that war is the best solution. No one won the last war and no one will win the next.

Eleanor Roosevelt quotes

Death... as a blog topic... is hard to write about. But as I recall losing my Grandma Campbell in April and really regretting not being there when my Granny Lena passed in 2003 I get upset and pretty emotional...

The short story? My grandmother just turned 87 Jan of 2010 and had always been strong. But a few years back... she had a stroke. It was just a year after that she broker her shoulder and we knew then, it was only a matter of time. I hated to watch it happen. Selfishly I would say it was exhausting. Yet I felt so much... and learned so much. My Mom and I get to think about the old times... and reminisce.
I wish I had the strength to be there for those at their end.
Did you know hearing is the last sense to go? I remember laying on my Grandmother Campells bed, stroking her face with my sons lovey. I knew we were close to goodbye but knew she was nervous about meeting the Lord and all that happens in the afterlife so I did my best to comfort her and just share my love. It was a struggle. Letting go is hard.
Then... the body has to have closure in two different ways. The first, is physical. I think she was already past that. The signs I had been taught were there... and it's strangely amazing to watch what happened to the human life form.
The second is emotional. This is where I think my Grandmother was not finished. Books say many times even if the body is ready let go, the mind and heart are not. We then hang on to work out emotions in our head. My Mom unselfishly agreed that the idea of her trying to get there after she was ready to go was actually preventing her from letting go.
Reality was setting in, We just wanted her to know we love her. We wanted her to know that we were happy, healthy, and will keep her alive in memory and toast to her life ALWAYS . My family on both sides has always chosen a celebration of life... and we will do so with her as well.

Now after literally staring death in the face... scary... eerie... amazing.... and real. It made me think about things I have done... and what would happen if I went tomorrow. It makes me want to continue to be more aware of my surroundings... share time with close ones... and live life to the fullest. But that is hard sometimes. So many things in life, the big things, can be a struggle and no one is constantly happy. I guess it's more so letting these things roll off our backs instead of dwelling. And that's my challenge.

As hard as all this is... I'm glad I have come to see the full circle. I learned a lot. And although my Gradmother will be forever with our Lord I got to say goodbye.
I guess my moral of the story is... let things out and don't hold them in, express your love, treat others well, pick your battles wisely, and be prepared - for anything could happen tomorrow. Wouldn't you agree?

Friday, December 10, 2010

Moving on...

I have come to another crossroads in my life where I had to make a fight or flight decision with one of my best friends.

As hard as this is to let go and allow myself to give up the fight (for “saving” the friendship), I am doing this for me. I spent a lot of energy the past few months realizing that no matter how much I want this friendship to work, and how much I have to offer…this is not a good match. We are too different and that the same ole drama will keep happening over and over. The intensity will always be a shadow of the friendship and one that will keep repeating the same hurts, misunderstandings, and judgments over and over. no matter how much WE try….I will never be considerate enough for her….and she will never stop judging me for not being who she thinks I should be. As much as I want to embrace, recognize, and respect our differences…the intense drama over them just won’t ever go away. It’s hard to be on the outside looking in and seeing this…because I do love this person, but I’ve come to recognize this relationship with varying expectations is unhealthy for both of us.
So I’m letting go.
This is a conscious decision we both made independently without a discussion. I’m sad for the loss,
Right now in spite of the negative emotions, I am trying to feel gratitude for what I did have in the friendship. Of course the pain is close behind trying to push any love and joy away and scream “Look at me!” But if I can consciously see the pain and move through it by recognizing some gratitude and lessons, I will be able to move forward. I will take away from this experience that I do want to continue to strive to be a compassionate, loving, thoughtful, joyful, caring person….but I cannot sacrifice who I am for another. I do feel this is what I allowed with this friend and the more I gave of myself, the higher the bar of expectation was raised by her and it was to a height that I couldn’t possibly achieve…no matter how much I intended on doing so.Ultimately there is a lot I have learned from the loss of this friendship.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Before I was Scouts Mom I was many things.

A collector of vintage jewels . A connoisseur of yummy sushi. An organizer of junk drawers. A dog walker and a gardener. A coupon clipper and a bubble bath taker. A fashionista and a martini drinker. A friend and a foe. A daughter, a lover, an independent woman.
In our lives we expand until we almost explode from all the shapes we take. Changing and growing and BECOMING, adding to our list of shortcomings, belongings and hobbies and personalities. Some we are more proud of than others. Some lead us to our next. Some teach us and prepare us for our future, for taking on yet another hat to wear or burden to bear. They shape our subconscious that later guides us to make life changing decisions.

While they may have led me to the right path, none of these things could truly prepare me for the maniacal journey that is being SCOUTS MOM.
So what did prepare me?

I am a caretaker for three amazing rescue dogs.

I love and treasure a cat who is deaf and declawed, not to mention 12 years old~

Most importantly, I was taught the meaning of the word unconditional (Thanks Mom and Dad.)

My Moms unconditional love for all things helpless helped my heart to be SCOUTS mother. She opened it up wide and tall. I was smacked in the face with a love so deep it was incomprehensible. Indescribable. I learned to love something so much it did not matter if it fit in or if the whole world forgot it existed. She knew they mattered. I learned to love in spite of imperfections.

My Dad told me about looking past physical imperfections. My Grandfather Tracy was 5'3 with one leg (train jumping in Pine Bluffs Wyoming @ age 6 can cause problems). As a kid my Dad longed to park in the handicap spot but his father wouldn't use it. It was a spot for people who were handicap. I am so grateful to have experienced a love like this before becoming a parent so I could know what it is to nurture. To know that I have the capability to love with an honest, open heart no matter the circumstances and to know what it is like to truly give myself over to that crazy little thing called (unconditional) love. "Oh BABY SCOUT!" LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!

The eyes of love are everywhere, can be everywhere, could be everywhere. And when you look at the world with the eyes of love, the world looks so different, doesn’t it? And so often we forget that it is as simple as a kind word, a gentle look, a smile for the stranger standing next to you in line.Someone in my my ANIMAL RESCUE WORLD (Millions of amazing dogs die yearly because people dont spay or neuter) a link to this song today, and I’ve listened to it over and over and over this morning. Where is the love? It is in you! “Where is the Love” by the Black Eyed Peas

Share the love today…

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Honestly, through the news media, tv and radio, all I hear these days is DIVORCE. And there's so many ending because of infidelity. What's with it ? What happened to marriage that lasts "til death do us part? " Does it even exist anymore? My parents divorced when I was a young was I destined to be in a failed marriage? I am wondering because I have been through one. Do we learn from our parents? Or is it because of society being more accepting of failed marriages? Do we often jump into marriage before we are actually know what it entails? YIKES

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Really? Lets just call it conditional!

Ever pondered definition of unconditional love? Ever ask around for friends definition of unconditional love? I have and it varies from people to people.
If the ideology and definition for unconditional love is so PERFECT?RIGHT? JUST? why does it differ? Love is a wonderful thing. Opening up your heart and loving without asking for something in return is too ideal right?
I agree and respect that everyone has different definitions of love, sacrifice, etc. But I feel it's almost like a lot of people spend too much time defining and talking about what these are instead of just doing it. If we could just love and give from our hearts, so what if we have expectations and "conditions"? We are all humans, we're not perfect, it's only in an ideal world that we have "unconditional" love. In the strictest sense of the word, even parental love is conditional. But is such love a "lesser" kind of love? Is doing 100 loving and giving acts that are "conditional" less than 1 act of "unconditional" love? Just because someone doesn't love you the way you have defined love, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Will you reject love (from others or even yourself) if it doesn't match up to your definition? Accept love for what it is, not for what it could be or what it means....