Wink

Sometimes, the most difficult grieving to be done is not for what has been lost, but for what one never had in the first place.

It occurred to me today, that this is an odd statement. It's often used by people to describe their relationship with someone with whom they've not had, (or are not currently having sex with)

"So are you guys...you know...wink wink, nudge nudge."

"Oh, no. We're just friends."

It's the 'just' part of 'just friends,' that I don't get. It makes it sound like it's somehow second best; second, anyway, to someone you have 'done it' with.

In thinking about it, it doesn't seem right at all. My friends are the people who've stuck around through the years, (despite the fact that I haven't 'put out'), to share the good and the bad, of one another, and of life. The people I've had sex with, though (some of whom swore their undying love)...well...where the hell are they?! With the exception of 5 or 6 with whom I'm still close, they're go-o-ooone.
If you ask me, it should be just the opposite.
"So...are you guys, you know...friends?"
"Oh no. We just had sex."
Just sayin'.
Throughout my dating/relationship years, I've come to realize that the particular passion (you know the one), that fuels and consumes us in the early part of a relationship doesn't last forever. It's wonderful, but it's over-rated when you realize that what is needed to sustain a relationship through the years is the sort of intimacy that comes with a much deeper connection; one of mutual admiration, respect, kindness and caring. And, if you already have that in a relationship, can the passion grow from there? Ideally, a relationship would have both, but if you had to choose one...
Hmm.
My question is...
Would you risk a wonderful friendship to see if it could be something more? Or, would you be satisfied with the wonderful friendship, just the way it is?
I already know my answer. At least...I think I do...

The Pitcher from my past.....

A few nights ago when I got a call from the "Pitcher"  I figured out why I am so hesitant and generally wishy-washy about him and why I am NOT ready to date in general.

I was settled into my new weekend routine, when my little nugget is with his dad, watching DVR while having a glass of wine. A friend of mine was over and we were debating the relative hotness of the guys on the show. Very important stuff.

The Pitcher called, so I excused myself to the patio so as to not interrupt the television-watching. He asked what I was doing, and I told him without hesitating, "Drinking a glass of wine and watching TV with a friend."

"Oh, you're all snuggled up with someone?" he asked, which is a lame way of asking if I'm seeing someone.

I assured him that I wasn't and we had a short conversation. Toward the end he said, "Well, it was good talking to you. Go enjoy your bottle of wine."

"Glass," I said. "I'm having a glass of wine."

"Well, one always leads to another," he said. "You know how that works."

And that's when it hit me. I am ambivalent about him because he makes me feel self-conscious about my actions and because no matter what happens, I will always be the "bad" one in the relationship.

I am an adult. I'm 33 and I drink and I wear shirts that show off my cleavage sometimes and I hobble around on three-inch heels. I sometimes stay out late and I look forward to a glass of wine after after a long day.  I get manicures, I bribe my son with Skylanders and I don't save as much money as I should.

I stay up  late. I enjoy trashy TV shows when I should be vacuuming or organizing or bleaching something. I eat grapes and grilled cheese or pizza and pb&j when I should be having a salad and apple slices. I play Taylor Swift too loud so that Scout and i dance around the house in our PJs and crack ourselves up.

I sleep in when Scouts not home and  my last thought at night before I go to bed is about what time I should set my alarm. I often skip breakfast, but I always have my coffee. I am slightly addicted to Diet Coke and at least once a week, I sneak off to the candy isle of Tom Thumb for a white chocolate Reese's peanut butter cup.

And I am fine with it all.

I'm also a good mother, friend and daughter. I love my son and the rest of family and friends. I work hard. . I am a shoulder to cry on, someone who will listen and a person you can go to when you just want to laugh. I will cook you dinner and make dessert.

I love the Lord and go to a non denominational church on Saturdays even tho I am an Episcopalian.

I will dance all night for your birthday and buy you a drink when your heart is broken. I'll give you advice I know you won't take and I will do my best to avoid saying "I told you so" later. (I sometimes fail at this one.) You can cry to me and I will never tell anyone. You can tease me and I'll tease back.

And what I really need is someone who is fine with it all, too.  I am guessing this person may not exist.  I am okay with this.  Being happy alone, is much better than being unhappy with someone else.

 So please Pitcher, delete my number.  You have been retired IR just won't cut it anymore.  

Old Fling

I was perusing a Facebook account of an old fling. I don't know why. He was also a long-time friend, but the aftermath of the fling probably makes that verb-tense just. I'd just seen two other very close long-time mutual friends. Maybe that's what put me in the mind to check in on him.
His profile says he's single. And in his description (or one of those random thingies you put on Facebook), he said he was getting over a crappy relationship. I'm either happy or ashamed that I have no idea if this relationship was the one I knew him last to be in, or if there have been others between. As a friend, definitely ashamed. As someone glad to not have more twists and turns in her life than she has road maps, I suppose it's a little nice to know I've managed to let this one slip off the radar.
But, that's not at all my point. Which of course you knew that if you knew me and understand exactly how many paragraphs I require in order to actually say anything.
A crappy relationship. It struck me because with him in particular, well, he's the type of guy who is always getting over a crappy relationship. Except for the time when he's in the relationship with someone who could be "the one". It seems that once they're over, all his relationships were crappy. Myself included, I'm well aware. Of course there were things to make it crappy. After all, we're not still together anymore. He's not still with this new ex-dame. If there were no downhill, there'd be no crap. But it puzzles me. Am I the only one who doesn't hold grudges against exes? Am I alone in the thought that hey, we weren't made for each other but that doesn't make you a monster? Yes. Some relationships were definite crap. But for the most part, I believe it's just two cool people coming together who turned out to be not-quite right for each other. I mean, if I were to slander all my exes and call them scum, what does that say about my taste? I heart scum? Why do so many people love to hate the ones they once loved?

So What, Miles Davis

You know those songs that make you remember an event, day, place, or a moment? I heard one of those songs today on my new favorite XM station. “So What” by Miles Davis.  I turned it up, my heart skipped a beat, driving along Highway 377 I got super sappy - I can absolutely remember the first time I heard "So What".  I was standing in a dive bar, in Encinitas California. The Saloon 2002, it was a foggy Sunday afternoon, and we had just come in from "surfing."  I say this loosely because "the boyfriend" could surf, I was more of a paddle out, try a few times, and splash around "surfer."  I still am.  I remember an older man walking over to the jukebox and then IT started playing…I thought the song was brilliant – and still do. I remember asking him what the song was called.  He was a real "surfer type", sun bleached hair, almost too tan face, and beautiful eyes.  He looked at me, laughed, and said "so what" then said he would be right back.  It was odd..Maybe he was stoned?  I headed back over to "the boyfriend" who was waiting on our 3rd or 4th round of $1.00 draft beers (this place was awesome)  where he had actually managed to snag us stools.  We sat, drank, talked, and laughed.  We did that a lot.  He was one of the good ones.  About 30 minutes passed and my sun kissed surfer friend walked back in and made his way to us.  He was carrying a sack from LOUS RECORDS (the coolest place in Encinitas).....Inside was the Kind of Blue album.  I had heard of Miles Davis but had NO idea what I was in for.  I thanked my surfer friend over and over.  He told "the boyfriend" he was the one who should be thanking him.  We laughed, bought our new friend a beer, and headed out.   I remember getting home and listening to the album over and over, while sitting on the balcony talking about life and the future.  It was genius, Miles Davis was a genius.  Sadly, the Saloon was sold and is now an upscale "beach" bar.  I never saw the sun kissed surfer again, and "the boyfriend" left for Iraq and never returned.  Life sure does change, but every time I hear this tune, I return to the corner of Pacific Coast Highway and West D Street, I smile for the moment and how it all happened. Life is full of change but it makes us who we are.  Thanks for the memories, Mr. Davis.

BE.HERE.NOW

I’ve been running a lot these past few months. Well…a lot for me....My goal for 2014 is to run my first FULL marathon and actually finish it within the allotted time, this WILL happen.  Running is my escape.  It’s also been giving me a lot of time to think.  Sometimes I think too much........Ups and downs are a part of life, particularly part of my life, and what I need to do is learn to appreciate this and understand that not everything is PERFECT everyday.  I have been very lucky in my life, and have been blessed with ALMOST everything I have ever wanted.  I have been "on my own" but not completely.  I think my current journey may be the closest I have ever really been to being truly "on my own" with regard to responsibility.  This scares me from time to time.  I have my ups and I have my downs.  Hills and valleys. It’s what the human experience is all about. This brings me back to running.....Here is what I love most about running, running is about the moment.  It doesn’t matter what happened earlier or who said XYZ yesterday,  it’s over now, nothing can change it.   Tomorrow  hasn’t happened yet, there’s no point stressing about it. All I have is the run that I’m in…good or bad. Just like all we have is the moment that we’re in. Today. Here and now. Yesterday is over, and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.  Running is SO much like life, we just have to make the most of what we’ve got, here and now. 

I was.......

*I wrote this back in early 2010, it still makes me smile when I read it, 4 years later :

Before I was Scouts Mom I was many things.

A collector of vintage jewels . A connoisseur of yummy sushi. An organizer of junk drawers. A dog walker and a gardener. A coupon clipper and a bubble bath taker. A fashionista and a martini drinker. A friend and a foe. A daughter, a lover, an "independent" woman.
In our lives we expand until we almost explode from all the shapes we take. Changing and growing and BECOMING, adding to our list of shortcomings, belongings and hobbies and personalities. Some we are more proud of than others. Some lead us to our next. Some teach us and prepare us for our future, for taking on yet another hat to wear or burden to bare. They shape our subconscious that later guides us to make life changing decisions.

While they may have led me to the right path, none of these things could truly prepare me for the maniacal journey that is being SCOUTS MOM.
So what did prepare me?

I am a caretaker for three amazing rescue dogs.

I love and treasure a cat who is deaf and declawed, not to mention 12 years old~MOLLY IS 16.5 NOW AND STILL AMAZING, AND WE HAVE ADDED A DOG!

Most importantly, I was taught the meaning of the word unconditional (Thanks Mom and Dad.)

My Moms unconditional love for all things helpless helped my heart to be SCOUTS mother. She opened it up wide and tall. I was smacked in the face with a love so deep it was incomprehensible. Indescribable. I learned to love something so much it did not matter if it fit in or if the whole world forgot it existed. She knew they mattered. I learned to love in spite of imperfections.

My Dad told me about looking past physical imperfections. My Grandfather Tracy was 6'3 with one leg (train jumping in Pine Bluffs Wyoming @ age 6 can cause problems). As a kid my Dad longed to park in the handicap spot but his father wouldn't use it. It was a spot for people who were handicap. My Dad has also loved me unconditionally, I have done some pretty stupid things, and he ALWAYS has my back.  I am so grateful to have experienced a love like this before becoming a parent so I could know what it is to nurture. To know that I have the capability to love with an honest, open heart no matter the circumstances and to know what it is like to truly give myself over to that crazy little thing called (unconditional) love. "Oh BABY SCOUT!" LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!

Seven things to say to Scout.....

This is the longest amount of time I have been away from you, since you made your debut into this wild world.  WOW!  I miss you, but am SO proud and happy about your awesome personality and ability to appreciate life and fit in wherever you go.  I know you are safe and loved right now, yet I am still thinking about how much you mean and how much you have to learn.  I have 7/SEVEN things I feel like I need to share with you..... 

1. When I look at you I see my heart.
I never imagined I had this much love to give until I had you.   
I never thought I could possibly have any more to give until I held you . You have taught me that my heart and my love has no max capacity.... it grows and grows and grows.

2.. Play. Draw. Paint. 
Create.Creating art should be a constant in your life.  It is insight for your ever-moving journey.  If you’re doing it right – I expect the messes you make daily....I yell, or lose my cool, but deep down, I LOVE IT!!!  Go ahead, experiment, find YOU!

3. On the other hand, there are rules that need to BE obeyed.  PLEASE be RESPECTFUL.  I realize boys will be boys, lets meet in the middle. RESPECT

4. Take your time getting to know your inner genius.
There is a competitiveness that seems to have taken hold of kids and more often, their parents?!?!!!!  The pressure to learn faster, quicker, better is BS!   Never fall prey to it.   Learning takes time and everyone does it at their own pace, in their own time.....You will figure it out, Im 33 and I still have NOT gotten this 100%.

5.. Explore the outdoors.
Get outside as much as possible.  Video games are for airplanes and long car rides.....Lets get MORE fresh air and LOVE our planet.  We shall play tag.  Ride bikes (more often).  Skip.  Hop.  Jump.  Run.  Climb.  MORE!!!!!!

6. It’s okay to cry.
Crying it COOL, it helps us to understand who we really are and what really matters.   We all do it. Boys cry.  Girls cry.  Babies cry. Even our dogs cry.  It is ok.  Embrace this.

7. Remind yourself daily, as I will, that you are a PRECIOUS, SPECIAL, AMAZING, gift from the stars.....I am SO lucky to be your Mom and I want you to know that, and remember it daily....


I LOVE you SO much little buddy, you are SO perfect to me, I am blessed and thankful to be your MOMMA :)